how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
