sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
