people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Green mimosas i think yes
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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