Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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