Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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