New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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