grandma shit on top of the toilet
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
