I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
