why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
