There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
