I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
