I want to make a zoo with you.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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