By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
your like the ambassador to my penis.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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