I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
