should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
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