Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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