So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
