How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
