At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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