Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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