OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
