My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize