I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
