If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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