How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
