A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
