my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
