I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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