The maid of honor just puked.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
