we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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