TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
