Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
