she peed on how many people?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
