i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize