I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize