I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
