im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
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