YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
