My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
