New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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