elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
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