Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
