I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
