watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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