i'm lost and i look like a hooker
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
