I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
