i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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