fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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