yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
