I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
