I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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