this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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