I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize