My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
is that a dick in a sweater?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
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