You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
