I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
