you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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