Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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